Understanding Domestic Violence: Abuse is Not Always Physical

What is Abuse?

Recognizing the signs of an unhealthy relationship can be more difficult than we may think. More than a few times, I’ve heard someone say, “But my partner has never laid a hand on me. It’s not abuse.”  When the signs are not physical, it is easy to miss the signs of an unhealthy and abusive relationship; but emotional abuse is still abuse. In fact, it is often said that physical abuse is almost easier to manage than emotional abuse. The bruises from physical abuse visibly heal, whereas the bruises from the emotional abuse don’t just heal with time. Here are some signs of an abusive relationship:

• Insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family, quit school, or quit your job.
• Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day.
• Criticizes or puts you down; says you are crazy, stupid, fat/unattractive, and/or that no one else would ever want or love you.
• Takes no responsibility for their behavior and blames others.
• Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on their former partner; for example, “My ex was totally crazy.” May have a history of accusations of abuse by the “crazy exes”.
• Controls the money and where you can spend it.
• Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others.
• You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad. 
• You find yourself often defending your partner to your best friends and family. 
• You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine. 
• You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy. 

Learn more about how to recognize the patterns of healthy and unhealthy relationships.

“Why don’t you just leave?”

There are many reasons why someone may find that they cannot just leave a situation, even if they recognize that it is not a healthy place for them to be. Many times, it is much more complicated than just leaving. Factors such as children, religion, resources, and even just hope and love can make it that much more difficult to take the step towards change. You are not to blame if you are experiencing abuse just because you have not “just left”. The abuse is not your fault.

What can I do?

There is hope. Reaching out for support can help you figure out what needs to be done and make a plan of action to make it happen and to help you find physical and mental safety for yourself or your loved one. Reaching out for help can be scary as you may fear discovery and retaliation from your partner. Contacting a therapist could be for the purpose of addressing mental health needs and does not have to indicate to your partner that you are looking for help with an abusive relationship, but it does mean that you will be taking the steps needed to help keep yourself safe mentally and physically.

Get Help: Confidential Hotline

Written By: Lianne Garcia

tLMFT, Mental Health Therapist at Life Connections

Because Life is All About Connections

Life Connections provides in-home Behavioral Health Intervention services, Therapy services, autism (ABA) services and Children’s Mental Health waiver services in our 13 office locations and approved schools across Iowa. Life Connections was founded in March of 2009 with the intent to serve the children and families of Cedar Rapids and surrounding cities.

Life Connections is a highly professional and caring counseling and behavioral health provider. We offer a wide array of services to treat mental health issues including Applied Behavior Analysis Services,  Behavioral Health Intervention Services, mental health therapy, school-based therapy programs, and substance use treatment. For more information, please call 319-409-6922. 

Resources:

• National Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255

• Crisis Text line text to 741741
• The Trevor Project – for LGBTQ+ young adult community 866-488-7386

• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network 800-656-4673